Re-examining my Atheism

As a child, between the ages of 8 and 14 or 15, I was a blind believer and was not too passionate about my beliefs.  With the sort of inattention that springs from not being passionate, I was rather careless with 'the data that was given to me'.  Actually I have a tendency to say 'the data that I handled', thereby seeming to imply that the data was unimportant and impersonal, and to be dealt with in whatever way one wishes.  So being a lukewarm believer, my prayers were perhaps lukewarm too, and they never seemed to yield any results. Now instead of having a good look at the basic data, I developed profound doubts about the usefulness of the methods - that of theism and a belief in prayers.  The reading that I did too - the type of books that were popular in the late 1960s, 70s and 80s also fostered my atheism.  As an impressionable youth of 25 years (Yes! I was still impressionable at 25 and am still impressionable now at 58) I fancied the arguments of Bertrand Russell and the passionate texts of Albert Camus and the others. Marxism was the popoular political theory among the youth and in fact, every aspect of my social life led me to a 'revalluation of values'.

This attitude resulted in more severe problems for my happiness and well-being. Instead of quickly re-evaluating the subsequent method and changing track soon, I found myself too committed and hamstrung.  I braved rather severe emotional storms of various kinds both in my personal and professional lives.  I'd do anything but abandon the chosen method. When things got horribly bad and I had suffered sufficiently, a series of spiritual and mystical experiences came my way which I can only call Grace! I call it so because it pulled me up from the deepest pits of despondency and a dependence on others, to the bright and airy lands of hope, gratitude and genuine caring. Whereas earlier I was so dependent on others to affirm my opinion of myself, I began to breathe the freedom of an independent spirit.

The same process made me quite pliant and is still busy doing so.  From an obsessive and compulsive dolt, I am being transformed into a person who has a greater degree of acceptance and into one who is willing to work in whatever limiting framework of circumstances I am placed in each day.  Even my relationships with others are changing in a fundamental way.  Earlier I had a very poor self-image, and as a consequence would 'project attitudes and values' that would endear me to others around me.  Many of these ideas wouldn't spring from the depth of my being, but I had mastered the art of mouthing ideas that would appear intellectually 'more appealing'. I knew I was becoming an intellectual, but what I didn't realise was that I was being a 'fake'. I do have to admit that there were quite a few genuine relatioships - that with my wife, with my friend Mathew, with my colleague Karthik and with my boss Sundaram who genuinely cared for me.  I also treasured the relationship with my teacher Narayanan for his out and out honesty and forthrightness. I found I could interact with him in a totally honest way.  But it is only grace that is pushing me along even further to transform me from a person who would not change even in decades, to respond to altered circumstances in a period of half-a-day if not within minutes. I owe a great deal of thanks to Shirdi Sai Baba for all of this. And I tell Him that it is quite painful, and yet so rewarding!