The Noah's Way

Some hilarious satires on religion are locked up and lost in past issues of various magazines. I plead with the Reader's Digest to permit me to use this short piece which appeared in its issue in 1976.

THE NOAH'S WAY

(From Reader’s Digest 1976)

And the Lord said unto Noah, “Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?”

And Noah said unto the Lord, “Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher-wood supplier hath let me down – yea, even though the gopher-wood hath been on order for nigh upon 12 months. What can I do, O Lord?”

And God said unto Noah, “I want that ark finished even after seven days and seven nights.”

And Noah said, “It will be so.”

And it was not so.

And the Lord said unto Noah, “What seemeth to be the trouble this time?”

And Noah said unto the Lord, “Mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch which thou commandest me to put on the outside and the inside of the ark hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers, Ham and Japeth. Lord! I am undone!”

And the Lord grew angry and said, “And what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort to come to thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the earth?”

And Noah said, “They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arriveth on Friday.”

And the Lord said “How about the unicorns and the fowls of the air by sevens?”

And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying “Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; thou canst not get them for love or money. And the fowls of the air are sold only in half dozens. Lord! Lord! Thou knowest how it is!”

And the Lord in His wisdom said, “Noah, My son, I knowest! Why else do you think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?”